You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
