Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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