he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
