im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
