I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Boobs are out for the taking
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
