Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
