gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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