apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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