remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
