So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
