i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
