I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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