My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
this beer tastes like vomit already
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
