please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
