Your face is a jimmy john
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I'm really busy with my period
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