And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
