Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
