All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Randomize
