Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
