is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
