I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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