This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
