There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
