Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
