final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize