btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
