I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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