Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
