There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
In other news, I just burned my penis
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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