I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
