So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
