Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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