think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
