i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
