No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
