Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
