Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
