ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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