dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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