I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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