I swear she didn't look like that last week.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
