On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
