Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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