I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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