I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
