ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
