never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
