god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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