I can tuck mytits in my pants
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
