I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My liver just had a heart attack.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
