Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
