my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I FOUND THE LEGS
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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