i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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