Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
